I know what you’re thinking. “What the heck is a Royal Whorehouse Chicken Lamp? And why should I even care?”

Good questions.

In the next few minutes, I will explain. And blow your mind.

I love this lamp. From top to bottom.

The finial is a black and red crown, like the Queen of England wore. It’s quite regal.

The lampshade itself is crimson. Red crystal rhinestones dangle from the top of the shade. A red and black feather boa encircles the bottom. Everything about this lampshade screams “whorehouse!”

The body of the lamp is the size and shape of a chicken, only it’s painted white with black spots, like a dairy cow. It also has a red comb on its head. (I guess the comb on its head means it’s technically a rooster, but I still think of it as a chicken.)

The lamp is a visual joke that never gets old. It’s ridiculous beyond description. If you hadn’t already seen a photo of it, you couldn’t begin to imagine what it looks like as I describe the various pieces:

  • It’s a chicken with the coloring and spots of a dairy cow
  • It’s a lamp with a shade that belongs in a whorehouse
  • It is regally topped with a crown and jewels

Those things make no sense when put together. And yet, in spite of the obvious absurdity, it works.

Every time I look at it, I cannot help but smile. And when I really look at it, I just laugh out loud.

The 3rd Gravitating Body Screws Up Everything

The Royal Whorehouse Chicken Lamp embodies a little bit of branding wizardry.

It’s an example of what Roy H. Williams calls “a 3rd gravitating body with a high degree of divergence and a momentary convergence.”

Let’s unpack that idea.

Physics knows how to explain the way gravity affects 2 bodies, (like the earth and the sun, or the earth and the moon.) The math is fairly straightforward (at least for people who actually took a math class in college – a group that does not include me.)

Throw a 3rd body into the equation – like the sun, the earth and the moon – and everything gets janky. 3rd gravitating bodies play by their own rules.

The 3rd gravitating body problem cannot be calculated. It defies logic and reason. It is too much for even the combined brains of Einstein, Feinmann and Oppenheimer.

The 3rd gravitating body makes the math problem impossible to solve.

Let me repeat that.

The 3rd body problem is not hard; it is impossible.

And that’s what makes the branding version of 3rd gravitating bodies impossible to ignore.

Magic lies slumbering in that bizarre combination of high divergence and momentary convergence.

Every time I behold this wondrous household accessory, the “moment” is “now” and the convergence of these three utterly divergent elements makes me laugh out loud.

Gravity and Time Go Together

Just as Time and Gravity are strongly related in physics, so time is an essential – and rarely discussed – element in creating a strong brand. And a 3rd gravitating body will help connect the time and gravity of your brand.

Your branding exercises must drag people back from the tyranny of their own future and forward from the dream state of their own past. If you fail to do that, your efforts are wasted.

If you want to attract and hold attention in your market, if you want to be talked about, if you want word-of-mouth advertising that costs you nothing but courage, then your branding needs a 3rd gravitating body with a high degree of divergence and a momentary convergence.

In other words, your branding needs a Royal Whorehouse Chicken Lamp.

Now, how do you go about finding one of these near-mythic creatures?

The elements are simple: 3 things that shouldn’t go together, yet somehow do. However, you cannot reason your way to the creation of your own Royal Whorehouse Chicken Lamp.


Because the chicken lamp violates all the rules of logic and reason, taste and proportion.

In fact, if you’ve got your “chicken lamp” and you can explain why it works, then I’ve got some bad news: you don’t have it yet.

A Royal Whorehouse Chicken Lamp defies explanation. Rather, it must be felt; it must be experienced. You will know it by your reaction to it.

Some people wouldn’t be caught dead with a Royal Whorehouse Chicken Lamp in their home, let alone displayed in the place of honor in the front window. When people walk into my living room, they instantly know they are in a home where the people are… let’s say “different.” That lamp says something about the people who chose it.

Some see the lamp and shudder. We know from their reaction we’ll never be close friends.

Others see it and instantly say, “Oh, I love that lamp! Where did you get it?” We know right away, “these are our kind of people.”

You know there will always be people who are a pain in the neck to deal with. Wouldn’t it be better to repel them from your business than to waste time trying to make them happy?

A Royal Whorehouse Chicken Lamp will do that for you. And it will also attract the kind of people who just “get you.”

At this point, I trust my readers to understand that the Royal Whorehouse Chicken Lamp is a metaphor for extraordinary branding.

It marks an impossible-to-ignore line in the sand. It separates those who will love you from those who will never be happy, regardless of how far you go to serve them.

The folks who “get you” will always feel better about your successes and be more forgiving of your failures. And vice versa.

If you think you’re ready to for the business boost that only a Royal Whorehouse Chicken Lamp can give you, drop me a line, and let’s create something impossible to ignore for your business. That’s what we do here at the Wizard of Ads.

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