Most disconnection starts quietly

In leadership, we often think the biggest risks are loud. Missed deadlines. Sharp words. A public mistake. But more often, the real drift begins in silence. In the small phrases people toss out casually. “I’m just trying to keep up.” “Not a big deal.” “It’s fine.” These aren’t just filler. They’re coded language. And when we don’t hear what’s underneath, we miss the signal.

What sounds small might be everything

When someone says “It’s not my place,” they may be telling you they don’t feel safe speaking up. When someone says “All good,” it might mean they’ve given up on being heard. These aren’t lies. They’re survival scripts. People have learned that softening the truth keeps things smooth. But it also keeps problems hidden. That’s not on them. It’s on the culture. And leaders shape culture by what they choose to notice.

The habit that shifts the conversation

The most powerful thing you can do? Ask the second question. When someone offers a vague or guarded response, pause. Don’t fix. Don’t explain it away. Get curious. Try:

  • “What would make that easier?”
  • “Is there a part of that you’re holding back?”
  • “If you could change one thing about this, what would it be?”

You’re not trying to interrogate. You’re creating room for something real to emerge. That second question is where the truth starts to show up.

Why this works

People don’t always need you to have the answer. But they need to know you’re paying attention. That you care enough to stay with the conversation a few seconds longer. When someone realizes you’re actually listening – not just hearing the surface – they’ll give you more. More insight. More trust. More truth. And that’s the raw material of great leadership.

Practical ways to build this into your leadership

  • In every one-on-one, practice slowing your responses. Give space before replying. It invites more.
  • Keep a list of “soft signal” phrases. Note when they show up. Look for patterns.
  • Practice saying, “Tell me more about that.” It’s gentle but powerful.
  • Resist the urge to move on too quickly. Your discomfort might be the doorway to their honesty.

If something here hits home

You may already know there are things your team isn’t saying. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re paying attention now. If you’d like a space to talk through what’s emerging in your leadership, I’d be glad to hold that space with you. You can find time to talk here.

The first truth is rarely the full truth. Ask again. Gently. Then lead from what you hear.

Latest posts by Paul Boomer (see all)