Listen up, ya hear? Because we’re about to dive into the gutters with sales practices — the tricks that the scum of the sales world use to make dirty money. And let’s be crystal clear from the start: this ain’t a handbook for hustlers, but a warning for the shit you should never pull.

  1. Lies, Damned Lies, and Bullshit Fees: Conning your customers with fake deals and imaginary fees is a straight-up, no-good, dirty trick. If your deal’s as solid as you claim, you shouldn’t need lies to sell it. Keep your game honest, and the trust of your customers will pay you royally.
  2. High-Pressure Hell: Some half-wit sales types think pressure’s the way to sell. As Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.” Well, in this case, you’re not just insane – you’re a damn fool. Instead, arm your crew with ways to close deals that aren’t about turning the screws on your buyers.
  3. Price Juggling: If you’re jacking up your price just to slash it back down and call it a discount, you’re no genius. You’re a lowly, downright sleaze. Set your prices fair and square, and ditch the shell game. Your customers will respect you for it.
  4. Badmouthing the Competition: Trash-talking your competitors doesn’t make you look good; it makes you look like a desperate lil weasel. Compete on your merits. If they’re doing better than you, step your game up, don’t drag them down.
  5. A Cover-Up: Got a problem with your product? Own up to it. Trying to hide the fact is just a long-winded lie. Not owning up to it is just as much a lie. Admitting your flaws might cost you a sale today, but it’ll earn you a golden reputation in the long run. A reputation the gals will fancy, and the high rollers will pay.
  6. Fake Scarcity: Nothing screams “I’m full of shit” like a fake “Limited time offer!” If you’ve got a real deal, Salute! If not, cut the crap and be honest about what you’re selling.
  7. Exploiting the Vulnerable: Some good folks might be an easy mark, but that doesn’t make it right to take advantage. Taking advantage of the old, the sick, the ignorant – that’s not just dirty, it’s downright despicable. Just forget about it.
  8. Meathead Tactics: A good salesperson doesn’t need to be a bully. Aggressive and offensive behavior will win you more enemies than sales. Be respectful, be professional, and you’ll earn your customers’ trust. Ya see what I’m talking about here?
  9. Ignoring Customers’ Needs: If you’re just pushing your product without considering what your customer actually needs, you’re not a salesperson. You’re a knuckle-dragging mouth breather. Or worse yet, you’re a conman. Listen up! Pay attention to your customer, understand what they need, and give them that. You’re Jimmy 2-ears, Don’t make me turn you into Jimmy No-ears. Capeesh?
  10. Shifty Policies: Don’t use your policies as a way to trap your customers. Use extra-large zip ties instead. I kid. I kid. Anyways. Make them policies simple, make them fair, and make them work for your customer, not against them.

Let’s wrap this up: You can be a shitbird in sales, pull all the dirty tricks, and maybe get away with it for a while. But trust me, the short game catches up with you. Real success, the kind that lasts, comes from being honest, transparent, and respectful. Your reputation is the one thing you can’t buy. Don’t be foolish enough to sell it for a quick buck.

You’ve been warned, wiseguy. Be a stand-up guy, fly right, or you’ll be swimming with the fishes in your concrete wingtips.